There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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