my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
