I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
