The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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