I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize