This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
