He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
