Moan for me like Helen Keller
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize