tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
