I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
