Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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