god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
