I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
