We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
