Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
