"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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