I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
