Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
