the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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