$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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