You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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