actually, I'm a sock model
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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