So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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