I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
