if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
