My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
