It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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