Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
