I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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