The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
