Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
