dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize