I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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