Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
