I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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