I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
