drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Randomize
