my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
