The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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