Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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