my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
