All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
