the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
