I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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