and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
