Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
