whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
