just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
