Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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