Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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