I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
