1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
