Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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