Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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