nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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