Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
