I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
