I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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