Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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