I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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