I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
