she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
