omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize