I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
