who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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