Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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