I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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