please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
