it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
