gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
