the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
