Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize