I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
