Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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