I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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