he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
